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我正在開車,毫無征兆地,四歲的小兒子向我做出一個出人意料的舉動,在我的心裡激起陣陣漣漪……
那是一個無比珍貴的時刻。
那是用人類所有的金錢或財富都無法買到的一刻。它發生時,我的心激動地懸在了嗓子眼。我多麼想擁有一臺攝像機,讓我把這一刻永遠銘刻在記憶裡。而實際上,我只能相信它的影響能夠歷久彌新,永無褪色。
有點滑稽,是吧?這是大部分的媽媽們都會有的經歷,可能還會把它簡單地歸類為『我肯定也碰到過』的那類故事。但是你可知道,這件事對我來說意義不止如此。
你已經發現這個你的經歷不同了吧,但我想待會兒再向你解釋。先讓我告訴你他到底做了什麼吧。
我們正在開車,他對我說:『媽咪!』我不在意地說:『怎麼啦?』他說:『快看看我!』我照著做了。當我看向他的時候,心猛地一跳,我四歲的小兒子正朝向我——他的媽媽,對他來說這世上最美麗、最優秀的女士——眨巴著一只眼睛,表達他的愛慕之情。對他來說,媽咪意味著安全和撫慰,是他的保護者。有了媽媽,任何事情都會變好的。
他向我眨著眼,我問他:『你在乾什麼?』我想這可能只是他偶爾興之所致的舉動。他說:『我在向你眨眼啊,媽咪。因為我太——愛你了!』
我不知道他打哪兒看來的這招,但我清楚那一定給他留下了很深的印象,他也明白這一舉動的意思,並想對我這樣做。我的小兒子,這個今天費了好大的勁纔學會怎樣對他的媽媽飛眼的孩子,在這世界上的時日已經不多了。他患了腦癌,而我只能看著他在我面前一天天走向死亡。
這些日常小事帶給我的感受,不啻於一列長長的火車呼嘯著撞擊我的內心深處。那天,餘下的時間裡我的腦子全都是以往輕易忽略的話語和表情。我現在的生活半是苦澀,半是甜蜜。我親愛的兒子是如此深愛他的媽媽,而且表現得和健康的孩子一般無異,最重要的是,他沒有受到病痛的折磨。這使得我和兒子日益迫近的永訣看起來那麼不真實,那麼虛幻。別誤會,我並無他意。我知道,這是上帝的恩惠,使我和兒子度過了這些美妙的日子,突然離去使父母更加痛苦呢?還是眼睜睜地看著孩子離去更加痛苦呢?
我實在找不到答案。我只知道,是上帝使我得到了這份禮物,我生命中最重要的男人——我四歲的兒子,對我眨眼表達愛意。
It was a precious moment.
One of those that any money or natural resource has known to man could not purchase. My heart stopped in my throat as it happened. I would have given anything to have had a camcorder to forever engrave it in my memory. As it is, I have to trust that the impact will always be strong enough for it to stay on its own.
Funny, you know, it is something that most mothers have experienced and probably taken for granted as I」m sure I did at one time. Or maybe just chalked it up to one of those cute things kids do. But you know it didn」t hit me like that.
You see things are a little different right now, but I」ll tell you about that later. First let me tell you what he did.
We were driving along and he said, 『Mommy!』 and I, not paying much attention said, 『What?』 He said, 『Look at me!』 So I did, when I looked down, me heart leaped, for my little four year old son was trying his best to wink at me——his Mommy, to him the most beautiful and best lady in the world. His security, his source of comfort, his buffeter, the one who makes everything OK.
When he winked, I said, 『What are you doing?』 Thinking that it must have been a fluke. He said, 『I」m winking at you Mommy because I love you so much.』
Where he saw this I do not know, but I know it must have made an impact on him for him to want to do it to me and understand what it meant. My little son, who took the time today to struggle to wink properly at his Mommy only, has days to live. He is dying before my very eyes of a cancerous brain tumor.
The impact of the everyday things that he does is like a freight train running head on into the core of my being. My thoughts and emotions are suddenly arrested throughout the day with phrases and looks that at one time were so easily ignored. It is a very bittersweet life that I live right now, my baby being so much 「in love」 with his Mommy, so normal in so many ways and not suffering for the most part. It makes the pain that I feel at the impending loss sometimes so unreal and difficult to experience. Don」t get me wrong, I want it no other way. I know we have been graced by a loving Father to be given such wonderful days with our son, but I have to admit, at times it is excruciating. I often ponder, 『Is it harder for parents when the death of a child is an accident and so sudden? Or is it harder to watch them go?』
I honestly do not know the answer to that question. All I know is that today I was graced by God to receive a wink from one of the most important men in my life, my four year old son.
(摘自2010年《忘懮草英漢對照·蔓蘿號》)
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